


“Did You Love Him?”

by sufferingsoprano



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, He deserves so much better, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, L & Mr Yagami are both dead at this point, M/M, Matsuda is a good person and a great friend, Matsuda just wants to help, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Yagami Light is Kira, light was in love with L (It’s up to you to decide if L returned the feelings oop), too bad light doesn’t even consider him a friend smh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28574775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sufferingsoprano/pseuds/sufferingsoprano
Summary: Matsuda noticed something off about Light following L’s death at the hands of Kira.“Did you love him?”The question tore at what was left of Light’s humanity.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light, Matsuda Touta & Yagami Light
Comments: 4
Kudos: 142





	“Did You Love Him?”

**Author's Note:**

> \- this takes place maybe a few months after Light’s father’s death (which is of course after L’s death)  
> \- Light struggles with the fact that he loved L because he finds this love for measly humans to be a distraction from his end goal of being the god of a new world, not to mention this is served with a side dish of internalized homophobia :((  
> \- but I hope you enjoy! And ahh I just Love Matsuda!!

“Hey Light?”

Light was sat at his computer. The rest of the task force had already left the room to presumably grab something to eat and settle down for the night.

Light turned around to see Matsuda awkwardly fidgeting in the middle of the room.

“Can I help you?”

Matsuda smiled sheepishly as he scratched his head.

“No- no! I don’t need anything, it’s just— I’m not trying to intrude but— Light, are you- is everything ok?”

Light blinked back, his expression blank. A million thoughts were running through his mind, but in the meantime, he had to remain calm.

“It’s just, you’ve been acting different lately— ever since...well you know! I-I’m not trying to make you recall any bad memories or anythi-“

“Just spit it out.”

Matsuda gulped in response. His features contorted in a flurry of nerves.

“Since Ryuzaki died...you haven’t been the same.”

Light turned back around to face his computer so that Matsuda could not to see his expression.

Perhaps Matsuda was onto him? Maybe he had connected the puzzle pieces and was well on his way to uncover the truth of Light’s actions— was Matsuda smart enough to realize the truth of the matter? Light never imagined that such an idiotic fool could be capable of taking down Kira.

Matsuda noticed the tension in the room, as after only a few moments, he blurted out a desperate apology.

“Gee— no, I’m sorry! I’m not trying to imply anything about you being Kira— gosh no! Light, I trust you! I think you’re innocent, this has nothing to do with any of that.”

Light pursed his lips, taking a deep breath before turning back around to make eye contact with Matsuda.

“Then what does it have to do with, hmm?”

Matsuda walked forward so that he was closer to Light. It was clear that he was hesitant to answer Light’s question, but in a matter of minutes he just could not help himself.

“Your feelings! Light- I, again, I don’t want to assume anything, and I’m not judging you at all— but you seemed to of cared deeply for ryuzaki, there’s just— the spark in your eyes...it’s been gone since his death...”

Light laughed dryly, shaking his head dismissively.

“See— your laugh, it’s so empty. I don’t think I’ve heard a genuine laugh from you since he was around, And I know- I know we aren’t all that close but I-“

“I’m fine Matsuda.”

Light took a deep breath. He tried to brush off Matsuda’s incompetent comments as nothing but that— an incompetent comment. His words meant nothing.

Though Light had to admit that on some level he was impressed with Matsuda. Matsuda certainly wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box, but for sure he was the most in tune with his emotions, with all his disgusting empathy. At first, Light had seen no such merit in Matsuda’s sensitivity, but on second thought, it was this sensitivity that had led Matsuda to untangle some of Light’s most personal thoughts. Perhaps the team didn’t give the bright eyed man enough credit.

“Light- I don’t want to press further but you can’t act like it’s not true! You lost your dad just the other day and you haven’t even had the time to grieve properly! You put all these walls up and push us out, for good reason, I know— but you’re just causing yourself unnecessary pain!”

“I can assure you that neither of their deaths are impeding on my abilities to handle this case.”

Matsuda threw his hands in the air, clearly exasperated.

“That’s not what this is about! Light- I’m saying this to you not as a colleague but as a friend! You can’t just pretend like everything’s ok— you’re not ok, you’re hurting!”

“I appreciate that Matsuda, I do, but there is no time to waste on such mundane matters. The Kira investigation is our number one priority.”  
Light spoke firmly in an attempt to shut the conversation down. He tried to play it off as though he were merely annoyed, but Matsuda’s words tugged at his heart ever so slightly.

L and his father were only two pieces of the puzzles— mere mortals who were expendable in the long scheme of things. For Light’s new world to be foraged, he had to let go of any earthly tethers such as the ones tied to those he cared for.

Matsuda nodded, looking down at his feet.  
“My apologies...I-I’ll see myself out.”

With that, Matsuda made a brisk retreat to the door as Light turned back to dissect the information laid on his computer screen.  
However, to Light’s frustration, Matsuda halted before exiting out of the room.  
Light held his breath, hoping that Matsuda would just call it quits and leave it alone.

“Did you love him?”

Light’s eyes widened in surprise— he wasn’t expecting such an upfront question. His shoulders tensed as his face paled.

“I’m not judging you, and I’d never tell anyone else. I- I always thought it odd that you never showed reciprocation for Misa’s feelings, I mean she’s beautiful and lively, and totally devoted to you! I thought that maybe it was just the stress of the case keeping you from being happy with her, but...when you and him were together, that must’ve been the happiest I’ve ever seen you! For once, your words, your expressions— they seemed so genuine— but then...When Ryuzaki died, you...well, I’m sure you know.”

Light remained silent, trying to find the right words to say. He squeezed the sides of his chair, his eyes distraught.

“I’m not....”  
Light shut his eyes. Even beyond the pain of his decision to expend L’s life, was the inner turmoil his apparent attraction caused him. He was supposed to be the picture of perfection, yet here he was, broken and in love with another man— a dead one, at that.

“It’s ok if you loved him. There’s no shame in that, you know.”  
Matsuda’s voice grew softer, taking a step forward from the door.

Light refused to turn around and meet Matsuda’s eyes. 

“And it’s normal if it hurts. You don’t have to pretend like you don’t care.”

Light’s shoulders shook ever so slightly. 

“Get out.”

“Light, I-“

“Get out. Now.”

Matsuda sighed.

“I’m sorry for overstepping.”  
And with that, he left the room, closing the door behind him.

The second the door shut, a choked sob escaped Light’s lips. He hadn’t even realized he’d been fighting back tears until his entire face became damp in a matter of seconds.  
He slammed his fist down onto the desk, his breath shaky.

He shouldn’t feel this way.  
Not for a man— No, not for any pathetic mortal at all! He was well above that.  
Rather, he should feel content, pride even! With L out of the way, Light’s path toward shining success became all the more real.

L had been holding him back from achieving his true destiny— to be the God of a new, and far better world.  
Sacrifice was inevitable.

Yet, Light still found himself biting back tears that didn’t seem to come to a stop. 

He cursed under his breath, resentful of the fact that beneath his masquerade as the all powerful Kira, was a frightened man, tearing himself apart over a love that had moved him in ways he’d never thought possible.


End file.
